Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
