Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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