I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
