I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
