we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
