She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
