She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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