my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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