Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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