sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
