the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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