I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Need sex. Gaining weight.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
