so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
