I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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