He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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