I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
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Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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