Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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