I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
