Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
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What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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