It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
