I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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