Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
