I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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