i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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