i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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