Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
