my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
