i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
