we have pet lesbian snakes
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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