On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
