I wish I could teleport
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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