i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So many bounce houses so little time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
