The maid of honor just puked.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsđ
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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