Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
