Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
