Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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