when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you