Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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