Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Randomize
