The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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