There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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