need another drink. this is the easiest way
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
