last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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