chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
