I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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