were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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