I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
