you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
