No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just threw up on my dentist
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
