Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
