Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
