dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
