I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
