she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
